What Are Love Languages? How They Can Help You Love Better
Have you ever felt like you and your partner are just missing the mark? You do something for them that they don't seem to notice or appreciate. Or perhaps, you're feeling ignored or unseen. It's definitely not a good feeling. The truth is that, even when we have the intention of expressing our feelings, it can actually be a huge challenge for it to come through. In fact, there are thousands upon thousands of different ways to say (and hear) "I love you," and they're different for everyone. That's where love languages come in.
The concept of "love languages" gives us a vocabulary to talk about what speaks to us. They give us an opportunity to better understand what makes us feel supported, cared for, and , yes, loved. By opening up a conversation about your love language with your partner, you're giving yourselves the opportunity to learn more about how to connect, care for each other, and communicate.
As we're talking about love languages, there are two sides to consider: how you like to give love, and how you like to receive love. Often, people have a different love language for each! So, let's dig into what each love language is and how you can use them.
Words of Affirmation
For some people, their love language is, well, language. They really love to hear nice words from their partner or to give them in return. On the flip side, they might become a little worried when they don't hear those things.
Do you completely light up inside when your partner (or anyone) tells you they appreciate you or gives you a compliment? Do you feel confused or ignored if you haven't literally heard your partner say, "I love you" for a while? Do you adore finding creative ways to tell your partner you care about them?
Giving words of affirmation: Look out for any opportunity to tell your partner, in plain language, how you feel about them. Some ideas are:
Simply say, "I love you!" (and say it often)
Give them compliments.
Read them a love poem.
Text them loving things throughout the day.
Be sure to tell them how much you appreciate it when they do something kind for you.
Leave little notes for them around the home that tell them how much you care.
Write them a love letter that they can cherish.
Acts of Service
There's a common writer's adage that goes, "Show, don't tell." This is what acts of service boils down to. People who like to receive acts of service really feel supported when their partner does something to help carry the load. And people who like to give acts of service jump at any opportunity to help their partner out.
Do you love to feel "taken care of"? Does it make you feel all gooey inside when your partner does something to help take care of you or your home? Or, do you relish in finding little ways to make your partner's life easier?
Giving acts of service: Look for any opportunity to take something off your partner's plate or to do something that will make their day a little easier. You could:
Do a chore from their chore list for them.
Cook them a meal or pack them a lunch on a busy day.
Literally carry something (i.e. their groceries) for them.
Offer to get them a drink at a party, or bring their coffee to them at home.
Take care of them when they're sick.
Clean or organize something in their home that they weren't expecting.
Gifts
Gifts are a great way to show someone you care--but keep in mind that everybody's comfort with gifts is different. Those with gifts as their love language take immense pleasure in meaningful gifts. This doesn't always have to mean whipping out your credit card! Making or finding something for someone who likes to receive gifts can be incredibly special.
Do you get a ton of joy from seeing or using something someone gave you, because it makes you think of them? Are you always coming up with ideas for things you can make or buy for other people to make their day a little brighter?
Giving gifts: Look for ways to give them gifts that are personal or unique. Here are some ideas for gift-giving:
Mark holidays and occasions with presents.
Occasionally, give them something small "just because."
When you pick them up for a date, bring a bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates.
Invent special holidays for just the two of you to exchange presents.
Take note when they say they like, want, or need something, and then get it for them.
Make them something that helps them think of you when they see it.
Quality Time
People with quality time as their love language truly enjoy just hanging out with their partner. It's often not just about what you do together, but how you're doing it. These folks love to put aside distractions and focus in on their partner.
How to know if quality time is your love language:
Do you feel fantastic when your partner reaches out to make plans with you?
Are your favorite dates the ones where you're simply being with each other?
Do you like to spend a lot of your time in your partner's company?
Giving quality time: Be intentional about focusing on your partner when you're together. Take an active part in your relationship, and be sure to ask them to do things with you. Some ideas are:
Put your phone away and really pay attention to them.
Set aside a dedicated time every day to do something together, like having dinner together.
Make time to talk to them on the phone when you're apart.
Work on a project together, like a puzzle.
Surprise them with a special date that has lots of opportunities to interact.
Plan a day trip together.
Physical Touch
Physical touch doesn't always have to mean sex -- though it can if you want it to. People who have physical touch as their love language delight in being physically close, which means a little something different for everyone.
How to know if physical touch is your love language:
Do you simply melt when your partner touches you?
Do you feel really good if you and your partner have had a lot of physical intimacy, and a little on edge when you haven't?
Are you naturally inclined to find ways, large and small, to get close to your partner?
Giving physical touch: Keep in mind, as you're giving physical touch, that enthusiastic consent is vital. Ask your partner about what kinds of touch make them feel good, and what kinds don't. Some ideas are:
Talk to your partner about where and how they like to be touched.
Hold your partner's hand while you walk.
Cuddle together while you watch TV.
Give your partner little kisses here and there throughout the day.
Embrace your partner in a long hug when they come home.
Offer your partner a massage.
At the end of the day, love languages are just a framework to help you and your partner love each other better. You don't necessarily have to identify with just one love language, or every aspect of a love language. Fine tune your care and affection to your partner's preferred love language, and don't be afraid to be assertive about your own love language.
As you and your partner talk about your relationship, we're here to help. Sign up for 7-day relationship health check-up.
