How to Manage Conflict

A healthy and happy relationship does not mean 24/7 smiles, cuddles, and sex. Inevitably, an argument or disagreement will arise. I'm sorry to say this, but if there are none, you might be dating a golden retriever.

Maintaining a happy and healthy relationship means knowing how to navigate and engage in conflicts in a compassionate and balanced way.

Spotting the signs of a healthy conflict helps define and recognize the conflict patterns, gain the skills to engage in a balanced way, and end a conflict.

We curated this helpful conflict-resolution information from some of the world's leaders in relationship science. This information is adapted from The Gottman Institute, which specializes in researching and studying relationships, and from Dr. Sue Johnson, a world-renowned couple's therapist. We found their approach to conflict most beneficial and compelling. In fact, Dr. Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight, was one of the kick-starters that sparked our Couple Summit journey! 

Below is the Conflict Curve. I, Tatiana (co-founder of the Couple Summit), wanted to create a visual of what a healthy conflict looks like. The rest of this couple blog follows and explains each point in the Conflict Curve.

The Conflict Curve created by Tatiana Reger - Couple Summit

1. Soften Startup

How you approach the conflict is crucial to resolving it. Bring up the issue with clarity—be specific.

DO NOT criticize or blame. This can lead to the blame game, where both partner are in mutual attack mode. This type of dialogue only detracts from the core issue and escalates emotional distress. Instead, explain your feelings calmly and clearly.

⭐️ Conversational tip: Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

For example, "You're always on your phone." VS "I feel ignored when you're on your phone at dinner." 

2. Accept Influence

In other words, share the power. Understand that your partner influences you, and you influence your partner. Listen and approach the conflict with curiosity and the desire to understand. 

If only one person is "winning," then both partners are losing. 

3. Attempt Repairs 

Diffuse the tension physically or verbally. In other words, assure your partner that you care for them and you want to make things better.

Turn towards each other. Gently reassure each other through light touches or hold hands during the conversation. This signals to each other that you are safe and you are a team. 

4. De-escalate

If the conflict becomes too heated, pause and take a moment to calm down. If you continue to let the pressure rise, you might find yourself exploding or stonewalling (neither helps). 

After the pause, you can return to the conflict on problem-solving mode, not fight-or-flight mode.

5. Soothe

During your pause, take a moment to self-soothe. This can be through a walk, mindful breathing, meditation, or whatever calms you down.

So when you both return to the conflict, it can be conducted from a respectful and rational space

6. Compromise 

It is better to meet halfway than to meet nowhere. Acknowledge that each partner might not get everything they wanted out of the conflict. Strive to leave the argument with each person feeling heard and understood. In other words, you can be right, or you can be in a relationship. 

Now that you know what a healthy conflict looks like, reflect on your last dispute with your partner. How did it go? Did you both walk away feeling heard and understood? How can you improve your conflict resolution skills?

When couples address pain with compassion, attention, and care as soon as possible, they manage conflict well and cultivate a healthy relationship. Don't shy away from a difficult conversation. If you shove it down, it will only result in an explosion or contempt against your partner. This doesn't help either of you. 

If you walk away from this article with anything, remember this: conflict is an opportunity to grow closer.