Compromising vs. Settling: Finding the Right Balance in Your Relationship
One of the most complicated parts of any relationship is squaring the needs of two people. Every person has a different perspective, and in any relationship, there will inevitably be situations in which you and your partner's needs don't quite line up. It's perfectly natural! In fact, one of the most exciting parts of being with someone can be discovering those differences, how to work with them, and even how to appreciate them.
Learning when and how to compromise is key to conflict management.
But, when are you compromising too much? What should you put up with in a relationship, and when is your partner's behavior going too far? These can be difficult questions to answer, and they come down to the line between compromising and settling.
When you compromise, you're making a trade-off--receiving one thing that you want, in exchange for acquiescing to something that your partner wants.
But when you settle, you're simply accepting something that is less than what you want or deserve, without receiving anything in return.
Let's dig a little deeper.
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What Is Compromising?
Compromising is essential to any healthy relationship. The literal definition of compromise according to Merriam Webster is:
"settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions"
"something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things"
When it comes to relationships, this comes down to acknowledging that it's not always going to be your way or the highway--that your partner's wishes are equally important. Healthy compromise means communicating openly with your partner about what works for you and what doesn't and being willing to find a way forward in which everyone benefits.
As we can see from the dictionary definition, sometimes this means trading off specific concessions, i.e. "I'll make dinner if you do the dishes." or "We'll go to the store that you want, and then afterward, we'll go to the store that I want." It can also mean finding a middle ground. For example, if you want to watch a comedy and your partner wants to watch an action movie, you might find a movie that has elements of both genres.
How to Compromise
1. Talk with your partner about what each of you likes and dislikes to find a middle ground.
One secret to finding ways to compromise is to understand why you have differing opinions. This can help you each understand what the other might be willing to concede. For example, if you and your partner are trying to make a decision about where to live, you might realize that one neighborhood appeals to you more because of its walkability, while another neighborhood appeals to your partner because it has good bike lanes. This presents the opportunity for you to better understand what you truly want out of your neighborhood and find another option that has both good walkability and bike lanes.
2. Agree to one of your partner's desires in exchange for them agreeing to something that you want.
Sometimes, there's just no pleasing everybody, but you can make an even trade-off. Perhaps you're deciding whose family to spend the holidays with. You might agree to spend one holiday with your family, and another holiday with your partner's family.
3. Take turns.
Sometimes, a situation simply doesn't have a middle ground or a way to split up the options. This is when you can let your partner have what they want this time, in exchange for you getting what you want next time, and vice versa. For instance, you can let your partner pick the restaurant for date night this week, but that means you get to pick it next week.
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What Is Settling?
Settling creates a power imbalance and contempt. You don't want to keep score in a relationship, but you do want to strive for an equilibrium between each partner's wishes. If your partner's needs are always being prioritized over yours without any reciprocation, you would naturally start to feel smaller within the relationship, and maybe even start harboring some bitterness towards your partner. Of course, nobody wants their partner to feel that way, and you certainly don't want to feel that way yourself.
How Not to Settle
1. Remember your right to respect and basic human decency
If you're feeling disrespected by something your partner is doing, that is a big red flag. Yes, it's natural for every couple to have disagreements and make compromises, but you can do all of that with both people still feeling respected and loved. Respect for yourself and your standards is not negotiable.
2. Create a culture of communication in your relationship.
All too often, people feel like they're settling on something, but they keep that feeling to themself until it festers and grows into a bigger issue. Give your partner the opportunity to compromise. Keep an open line of communication, make it clear that it's okay for you to express your dislikes, and encourage your partner to do the same.
If you feel like you can't talk through an issue with your partner, that might be a sign of a deeper problem.
3. Push back against the fear of being single.
Research shows that the fear of being single often causes people to settle for less in their romantic relationships. But, the fact of the matter is, that you're much better off being single than being in a relationship that isn't working for you. Yes, there are so many wonderful aspects to being in a relationship, but there are also so many fantastic things about being single.
If you feel this fear holding you back from advocating for yourself in your relationship, remind yourself that if your partner cannot work with you or if the conversation leads to a break-up, that you will be okay. Being single is not the end of the world--it's just a new opportunity.
4. Work on a Balanced, Healthy Relationship Together
Never settle. But, keep in mind that when you learn how to compromise in a productive way, your relationship will be better for it. If you're looking for insight on your relationship, sign up for a 7-day relationship check-up.
