Those that say ‘money doesn’t matter’ likely have never been through any form of financial trauma. Through it’s true that money cannot create happiness inherently, it certainly can breed deep and hurtful unhappiness. It is not the ownership of money that matters. It is the blindsiding lack of it where true personal injury lies.

Money troubles can cause impactful post-traumatic negative associations with handling finance. Simple tasks such as checking a bill or logging into a money management app can be hugely triggering for someone who has had to deal with related economic crisis in the past. Unhealed, such triggers can affect the individual’s ability to handle finance related situations enormously.

Financial management is an important part of any relationship. We face it almost immediately when we begin a partnership with someone, in the form of decision making about who pays for the bill or who incurs the costs of driving to see the other person. Later down the line, it becomes more complex in the form of paying bills, saving for a special purchase, and working out how to divide up total household income and expenditure.

 Trauma cannot be ignored - it’s important to deal with it head on before it takes a stronger hold.

Healthy, happy relationships are built upon a base foundation of genuine support and open communication. It is vital to the health of any partnership to discuss any challenges as they arise and to do so as a balanced team. This applies to money management as much as any other area of the relationship.

Here are 5 key ways to heal any past financial trauma wounds in order to maximize the potential for relationship success:

1. Be an open (financial) book. 

   We have surely all been guilty of hiding away financial paperwork every now and again when we don’t want to deal with a certain situation. Whether it’s archiving online e-bills or pushing invoices to the back of a drawer, pretending these elements don’t exist won’t help. In fact, you risk accelerating potential stress levels.

   Set aside a clear day together where you won’t be disturbed. Take out all of your bills, invoices, statements and other relevant financial information and place them all on the table alongside your partner’s own relevant collection. Spend time sifting through the information to discuss your position together, ensuring you remain positive in your suggestions and ideas to one another. This is not a time for judgement. It’s an opportunity to deepen your bond together while making some smart economic choices as an authentic team. 

2. Cultivate open communication. 

   Instead of thinking of money as a gigantic ‘no-go’ area or something that needs dedicated time to discuss, make finance part of your daily health and wellbeing communication together. Just as you might typically talk over how you’re feeling physically each morning, make an effort to include financial wellbeing discussions at various points throughout your week. Negate the power that fear is rendering within you. Before too long, the formerly intimidating ‘money monster’ will become bitesize and a much easier subject to broach within your relationship together. Remove the sting!

3. Seek the support of a professional. 

   Depending on how deeply you have been affected by your past experiences, it might be wise to enlist the support of a therapist or coach to help you move past your existing pain and remnant triggers. Further to this, you may want to hire a professional book keeper or financial advisor to help to get you into a position that makes you feel back in the driving seat. Any pro worth his or her salt will make you feel at ease - go for who you feel most comfortable with, no matter who you are looking to hire.

4. Rewrite the financial story.

   You don’t have to belong to the labels that were created from your past. You can drop the self-effacing narrative you’ve been carrying of, ‘I have never been good with money’ and similar. Change your story to one of accurate positivity!

   Create happier memories relating to money. Save a small amount and use it to do something kind for someone else. Or gift yourself a small treat after you manage to pay off a chunk of longstanding debt. Reorganise your finances so that you take the pressure off yourself enough to worry less about juggling numbers. Whatever it is, make it positive. You don’t have to live in the shadows of financial trauma. You have the power to rewrite your story, starting today.

5. Forgive yourself.

   The gift of hindsight is a desirable one, certainly. But we cannot change what has happened in our past. More specifically speaking here, YOU cannot change your past. Let that sink in for a moment. You cannot alter what has already been.

   Liberate yourself from what traps you and forgive yourself for any decision you made that lead you to experience to financial trauma you have battled through. We’re all doing our very best without a standard issue handbook to tell us what to do and when. Reflect and evolve, but don’t ruminate or punish.

   
   

Money management can be a little bit of a taboo subject. We don’t tend to discuss our income and outgoings and it’s deemed rude to ask someone how things are going financially. However, when we have been through financial trauma of any kind, talking about what we have been through is a vital part of healing. Talk to those you trust, including your partner. You may be surprised at how much better you might feel for doing so.

You’ve got this!